When Pain Becomes Unbearable

I learned life’s bitter truths quite late. Don’t let people walk all over you, my mom kept telling me. After her death, I had no one to talk to. Once, I confided in a colleague about my boss continuously assigning me work. I had to stay long hours in office to finish my work and I was not receiving compensation for that. The next day, my boss placed a list of tasks on my desk, stating the deadlines I needed to meet. “You’d better not miss any of them,” he said. The smell of my colleague’s betrayal was present in the humiliating tone of my boss.

I swallowed my self-pride and regretted that one moment of vulnerability. I didn’t have the strength to slap my resignation and march out of that office with my head held high.

There is monthly rent and a lawyer’s retainer fee to pay. These are the new expenses added to my budget list. I recently stepped out of my marriage built on infidelity. My mom would be happy from heaven, seeing that I listened to her this time and kept my integrity intact. 

I broke all connections with the man I once loved the moment I found out my husband was cheating on me. I filed for divorce because there can’t be any respectful reason for betraying your partner. I hoped the process of separation would go smoothly. However, my lawyer told me that cutting ties on paper is far easier than breaking emotional bonds. I wasn’t in the mood for any advice There were some extra formalities to finish and then I would be free to change my name in all the places where I had used my ex-husband’s name. Legally, I am yet to be called single, but calling him ‘ex’ feels relieving.

My mother’s recent death and my husband’s adultery have broken my spirit to live. I was getting quieter with every passing day. Small talks with colleagues irritated me and calling my friends to explain my situation felt stressful. 

I was finding relief in not speaking to anyone. Something was stuck in my throat and there was a voice in my head telling me to stay quiet. Nothing was making sense to me. I wasn’t sure if this was the best way to handle my problems. My mind and body were drained.  I hated the thought of narrating my past six months to anyone. 

I had read somewhere that grieving is an inevitable step to overcoming loss. In a short span, I had suffered two losses in the relationship, but I had no desire to shed any tears. When I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes were dry. People say to talk to yourself in the mirror it helps. And I wondered what I tell myself. My circumstances were against me and everyone around me was responsible for my sorrow. I wasn’t sure if self-talk was a solution.  Sometimes I picked up a paper to write how I felt, I either put the blank sheet back or made my grocery list for the next day.

It felt good to shut my mouth. The thing is at times you get so tired of fighting with everything around you that you give up fighting for yourself. You wanted to leave things as they are. 

In my office, I wasn’t surrounded by people I liked, but work allowed me to pass my day. My boss’s anger wasn’t settling, and my patience wasn’t running out either.

Whatever was going on in my life, the one thing I continued doing was going for my evening walks. It has been my ritual for years. After my mother passed, I got addicted to walking. The moment, I reached home from the office, I would change into my walking gear, pick up my water bottle and headphones, and just walk. My brain would go on autopilot. I knew exactly which path to take and what music to play.

March 23, 2023 felt like a regular evening while life had a different plan. After thirty minutes of walking, I stopped to drink water. As I raised my head to take a sip, I saw the lush green tall trees around me. I was in the middle of a thick forest all by myself. I could hear the chirping of birds and rustling of leaves. Every tree had perfectly shaped green leaves. How did God manage so many distinctive shades of green? Not one species had the same colour as another, and nobody questioned the existence of other species. They were okay in sharing that common space. I realised that each tree was part of the forest, and that forest was part of every tree. They were different yet together. 

This reminded me of my mother. She was part of me, and I was part of her. Now, we are separated by death, but she will always stay within me. I don’t have to pause my life to keep her alive. I need to fulfil my journey as she did hers. 

Whenever she was under any trouble she would say her golden words – this will pass too. In my teenage years, I would get angry listening those words. Later, I started teasing her whenever something happened, but her faith didn’t shake. She knew that everything will be better after the storm settled. 

Tears started dripping as the floodgate opened. I wanted to shut my mouth, but I lost control over myself. My scream broke the calmness of that place. My wailing distressed the forest. I lost all my energy to stand leave alone walk. 

Sitting there looking at the sky I demanded, “Mom, when will this pass? I am exhausted. I am done. I am all alone.” 

I don’t know how long I cried. It was long enough to reach my point of trepidation. 

I found a new version of silence. Stillness in peace. 

There was nothing more to say. 

I was empty and purified. I was silent.

#fiction

[ Banner image by Akshar Dave🌻 on Unsplash ]

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